But the Weird Part is She Attacked Me with a Small Fork.

Matthew and I were watching Piers Morgan’s interview with Charlie Sheen the other night, and for the entire duration of the show I felt extremely uncomfortable.  Something about the man just seems very delusional; very out of touch with reality.  He was on edge, defensive, accusatory, and cocky. 
At one point, Piers asked him if he’d ever hit a woman, and Charlie said no, and that “women are not meant to be hit… they’re to be hugged and caressed.” But then he immediately corrected himself, admitting that one time he had kind of bashed a woman’s face in but it was because, and I quote,

“She was attacking me, though, with, like a, a small fork. Like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her, that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”

Yes, Charlie, clearly.  The important thing is that she had a small fork.

Matthew and I laughed at that one for days, and now my new favorite thing to do is threaten to stab people with a shrimp fork. 
Do not mess with me.  I’m armed.