A last photo and a last word

The other day I was looking through folders of old photos on my computer, and I found an especially meaningful one that brought back a flood of tears and memories.  The lighting is terrible and it was never meant to be a good picture, per se, but I had stopped by my mom’s house shortly after purchasing my new 5D, and I was just sort of snapping away. This was the very last photo I ever took of Edd.

I remember him well in that spot. He was often sitting there when I’d come over to visit… reading the paper or a magazine or watching a show on TV. He’d say “hiiii Jenni,” or get up and come sit at the bar to talk to me. Whenever I go over to my mom’s now, I like to sit there in Edd’s spot, where he was in this picture.

It’s funny, the memories in a place. How a particular piece of space can hold such strong memories of a person that was there at one point in time. Like that old saying goes… “if only walls could talk.” If walls could talk over at my mom’s place, they would speak of so much love, you can’t even wrap you head around it.

One memory both Matthew and I have of Edd made a deep impact on both of us. We were over for dinner one night, and Edd was sitting in the kitchen at a bar stool and we were all chatting as my mom cooked dinner. I don’t remember how the conversation reached this point, but I remember this so vividly. Edd’s face was red and broken out a bit from chemo.  His body had really been ravaged, but there he was, with tears welling up in his eyes as he said, “yeah, I have cancer, but I’m really happy.”

I attribute much of that happiness to the fierce love between him and my mom—the way they gave each other strength when one thing after another was taken away from them. Sometimes maybe it’s a blessing when all you have left is the love.

And it really makes you think, you know? If everything was taken away from you, all the things you have no real control over, what would be left? I think I’ve found that the answer to this question is 1. your spirit (the part of you that doesn’t die), and 2. your relationships. And it makes me think about what I’m really “nurturing” in my life.  Really makes me think.

I tend to boil everything down to lessons learned in Harry Potter (ha ha), and one quote by Dumbledore always stood out to me. He said, “Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.” And that’s so true, don’t you think? Edd’s life and death was proof to me that cancer and dying isn’t the worst thing that could happen to a person. But a life without love and friendships and close, healthy, meaningful relationships that transcend time and space and pain and, yes, even death? That would be the worst of all.

“Yeah, I have cancer, but I’m really happy.” What is in your life that brings you joy, even when life isn’t perfect? How can you build on those things, those relationships?

Just things I’m thinking today. Happy Tuesday. :)

Sunday Thoughts

I’ve been having stomach issues for two weeks now, and it’s gotten to the point that I’m sort of a wreck… tired and lethargic all the time due to lack of nutrients, and grumpy and quick to anger because I’m always hungry.  Earlier today I was sitting on the couch with Gracie and Cooper, when Cooper took off running and barking towards the front door (as he often does, for no reason… I joke that “he heard an earthworm moving a mile away”), and then Gracie, who was partially on my lap, followed suit and bolted after him, knocking my water glass out of my hand and sending its icy contents flying.  Well, an event like this one would have normally pissed me off, but this time it sent me into a rage, and I was probably screaming expletives and definitely slamming kitchen drawers unnecessarily as I went to find a towel.  Point is, some stuff’s not right inside my body at the moment (and don’t worry, I’m going to the doctor again tomorrow).

However, during these last couple weeks of mild suffering and my first time ever experiencing real, lasting hunger, I’ve been humbled to think of just how my problems stack up to that of others’.  Yesterday my mom tearfully recounted an exchange between her and Edd in their bathroom, when he was just so overcome by the effects of his chemo, which included intensely painful mouth sores on his lips, inside his mouth, down his throat and, we learned later, also out the other end.  The cancer and the treatments were merciless to Edd, and this was just one of the many horrible side effects he endured in his last months.  It made eating very painful and obviously no longer enjoyable, if not impossible.  Another of life’s pleasures snatched away from him.

Edd was saying to my mom, “I just don’t know what to do… I don’t know what else to do.”

And since he never seemed to, ever, bring this up or even consider it a possibility, my mom said to him quietly, “you could stop taking chemo, you know.”

She said Edd blinked a few times, and slowly some sort of realization washed over his face.  Like he’d never thought of that before.

After a moment, he said, “…But then I’ll die.”

And they cried there in the bathroom together.  It was the first time they’d considered that possibilty—giving up—letting the cancer win. 

That story touched me so deeply, and like I said, humbles me.  The things that man endured.  The reality he lived. 

And the things we complain about! It’s disgusting. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve found myself praying the feeble prayer that God will take away my stomach virus or bacteria or ulcer or whatever the hell it is that’s causing my issues, but then I caught myself.  I don’t know if I want to pray for God to take away my suffering anymore, now or in any other area of my life.  Or maybe I still will, but I think I’ll understand a little better if he doesn’t, and I’ll be a little braver.   People all over this world are experiencing far more unthinkable pain than you or I will maybe ever feel, and it puts things into perspective when you see that.  When you watch someone live it.  When you know it could happen to you, or someone you love.  It helps you to not take things for granted, and to live a little more in each moment. 

I have a feeling that Edd’s cancer and his suffering and his passing will be teaching me things, and also giving me courage, for many years to come. 

Some words, some pictures, and a song.

I’m feeling strangely stifled this morning.  I woke up excited about a new day and a new week… ready to be honest and open about my feelings and share a little more about Edd’s passing 4 weeks ago tomorrow.  I wrote it all out. It was cathartic, and I cried… a lot… as I typed. 

But then I couldn’t hit publish.  I read what I wrote over and over again, and it just wasn’t enough.  It was just a string of sentences tied together by commas and periods and ellipses. It was just facts. And it didn’t fully express what we experienced… what EDD experienced.  It felt too private, it felt cold, and it felt not good enough.

So I guess right now, until the time comes (if it comes) when I’m ready to write more about the enormity of this thing that happened and that changed me, I just want to acknowledge that no matter what I write here, no matter what kind of sunny posts you see (because those are so much easier to write), it still hurts.  I’m still working through it, as I know my mom is and my step brothers are and everyone else who was deeply touched by Edd’s life and death.  I imagine it will all come out in bits and pieces over the next months and years, and even though it goes without saying, I’m sure, I just wanted to say that even though we carry on and live our lives and eat out at restaurants and take pretty pictures and laugh sometimes, there’s always a part of me (and my family) that’s grieving.  You learn to live with that grief, because there’s no other choice.

A wonderful reader named Sam left a comment a while back that really stuck with me, and I wrote it on a little piece of paper and left it on my mom’s pillow the night before Edd’s funeral, and she even read it at the service.  It said, “someday you’ll walk around the hole in your heart instead of falling in it.” 

For now, though, I think we’re all still falling in it.

One last thing… I found this quote the other day, and it really blew me away.  I wanted to share it here too, for anyone who might need to hear it:

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying 'write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep', and 'cheer up' and 'happiness is our birthright' and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say 'Quick! Move on! Cheer up!' I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word 'happiness' and to replace it with the word 'wholeness'. Ask yourself 'is this contributing to my wholeness?' and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”

Hugh Mackay, psychologist and social researcher

I like to think that all of this is contributing to my wholeness, and for that I am grateful. 

1. Gracie baby
2. .25 cent books from the Austin citywide garage sale yesterday
3. My gorgeous necklace by Megan
4. Coop.
5. Cute grandparents
6. The prettiest little egg we found in our backyard

Hope you have a wonderful Monday…

Easter thoughts + Instagram Dump (B.O.I. Week 11)

Happy Easter, my friends… how was your weekend? Restful, I hope. Ours was eventful, as you may have already caught wind of in yesterday’s post? Oy!  And I should also add that the giraffe was not the only shipment to arrive from Africa.  My house really is a zoo now…  I could charge admission just to visit.

Anyway, this morning we had a lovely brunch at my mom’s, where we enjoyed a feast of pancakes, eggs, sausage, melon, and coffee cake, alongside some good conversation and, of course, the cursory Easter peeps.  We paid our respects to Edd at the beautiful wooden urn that contains his ashes, and there was something strangely comforting about that.  His presence is still felt.  I couldn’t help but think back to my Easter post last year, and when I looked it up, the tears flowed.  That smile on Edd’s face!  Damn his staggering ability to be happy, right up through the end. It makes me feel deeply ashamed of my own pathetic ability to have a consistently shitty attitude.  For real.

Grace.  We talked a little today about how the grace with which Edd handled his disease was truly astounding, and though watching someone suffer like Edd did can certainly cause you to have some issues with your God and your faith, the grace… it’s hard to attribute it to anything but God working within him, despite the cancer. 

We also talked about how suffering has a purpose, and that’s to strip you of every single thing that’s not important, leaving only what is.  Of course, it’s still hard to embrace suffering—damn near impossible.  But it’s also near impossible to ignore the beauty I saw in the love and caring and stripped-down-ness of my mom and Edd’s relationship.

Just food for thought. 

* * * * *

After a short sabbatical, I am back on board with Best of Instagram! Here’s a few recent pictures… (username jenniSOML on Instagram)

1. A new favorite dress from Ruche and a lovely bracelet by Miss Jenna!
2. My outfit for Easter today. Necklace by Stella & Dot.

* * * * *

3. This tea is supposed to help my PMS.  We’ll see. (nailpolish here in “now you sea me”)
4. Beautiful tulips from the incredibly kind Kristin. :)

* * * * *

 
5. Gracie and the water hose. More obsessed Gracie photos here.
6. Tuckered out. :)

* * * * *

7. Spooning!
8. Keeping watch.

* * * * *

9. I have named it Martin.
10. Never thought I’d see the day I put one of these in my office, but it actually looks pretty darn cool.

* * * * *

11. Flowers clipped from the yard to keep me company while I work.
12. Cosmetics.

* * * * *

  
13. My loves.
14. New favorite necklace courtesy of my blestie (blog bestie, not sure who coined that) Megan.  Its official name is the “Edinburgh,” but I have renamed it the “Edd-inburgh.”  :)  Tonight’s the last night to get a major discount in the Across The Pond shop, so get on that!

Add your links below, if you’d like!

* * * * *

An outfit and some words

 
Shirt: Forever21 (recent, but not online), Pants: J.Crew, Boots: Franco Sarto (similar here), Bag: Theit, Necklace: Sora Designs: Bracelet: Madewell. Earrings: c/o Acute Designs

I’m not feeling particularly loquacious today.

Really, I just wanted to say loquacious.  It’s a good word.

But no, seriously, I don’t have much to say on this fine Thursday.  If you must know, I desperately need to go grocery shopping (all that’s left in the house is bread, cheese, crackers, and frozen veggies) and I’m also determined to finish that damn gallery wall we started in our bedroom.  Finishing projects is not my strong suit. 

Also, my mom and I go pick up Edd’s ashes at 1:00 PM today. I can’t even wrap my mind around that, and the fact that I just said what I did so flippantly.  It seems wrong. But it’s the truth…

And you thought this was going to be a light-hearted outfit post?

Life feels sad right now.  Showers and long car rides are the worst.  My counselor got an earful yesterday.  He said I should write about this more.  And maybe I will.  But for now, pictures of how I dress myself will have to do.

* * * * *

Side note: can we talk about those cute Chevron earrings in the pictures above?  They’re from the amazing (and incredibly kind and patient) Gina of Acute Designs.  She has both a fabulous blog AND shop! Everything is so affordable and pretty over there.  Here’s a few more of my favorites…

1, 2, 3, 4

Your soul has a body

The way time marches on after a loss is stunning at first. It’s jarring—to log into Facebook, to watch the news, to go to the grocery store. Everything else carries on as it was before, except for you.  You are changed. 

The world doesn’t stop and wait for you to get it together though, you know?  Last week was such a blur.  Edd passed away Tuesday, his body was removed from the house shortly after, the visitation was Thursday, and the funeral service Friday. It was all so fast. There were flowers, emails, cards, tears, and wonderful words from wonderful people. It was amazing to hear of the reach Edd has had in his lifetime. But it was all so fast.  And now family has trickled back to their respective homes, and this week we carry on.  Sometimes numb. Sometimes not.

It’s Monday morning of a new week and here I am at my desk, sunlight streaming in through the window beside me and my trusty little laptop before me.  I’ve had coffee and a bagel and half an apple, and now I’m sitting down to do something I’ve done a thousand times before (write a blog post), but it feels different now.  More important.  Because last week was game changing…  Totally and completely game changing.  But how do I make people understand that?  What I saw?  What I felt?  What I’m still feeling?

Maybe it’s too early for this.  Maybe I’m not quite ready yet.  But I feel this need to carry on—this urge to do things that would make Edd proud.  To get moving on this life thing.  Because it’s precious, and it’s fragile, and it ends. 

Last Tuesday I watched a life end.  Or perhaps I should say I saw a body die.  Because what hit me like a ton of bricks that Tuesday at 11:35 AM is that we are not our body.  We are something else.  We are what lives inside our body as long as it’s still breathing, but what makes you YOU is not your body. Your body is the shell of you, and it really is a fragile shell. I didn’t grasp that until last week, and it was a real revelation for me. Seeing someone’s shell, with the person missing from it, is the most surreal experience, but also an important one.  We spend so much time fretting about what’s on the outside, and not nearly enough time worrying about what’s on the (proverbial) “inside.”  The part of you that doesn’t die. 

I have a feeling that last Tuesday and the week that followed will be the single most defining time in my life.  It really put things into perspective for me, and I hope I can hold onto that perspective. 

There’s more I could say, but it can wait. I’ll leave you with a piece my mom read at Edd’s funeral…

When death comes for us,
may our lives be already safely stored away
in the minds and hearts and memories of those we have loved,
and in the happiness and well-being of all we have helped,
and may death find no life to take from us
but shuffle off defeated,
having relieved us only of our dying.

                                                                -- Robert Brault

Edd.

At 11:35 yesterday morning, the world lost one of the best and brightest and bravest of its men. He was surrounded by people who adore him, and he was a testament of strength and true love until his very last breath.   I am forever humbled to have known him, to have been a part of his life, and to have been a part of his death.  Edd, thank you for teaching me true selfless love even in the face of cancer and more suffering than most people can imagine. You lost a lot of things—almost everything—but you didn’t lose yourself.  Cancer couldn’t take YOU.  And it never will.

At 5:07 yesterday evening, our 15 year old family dachshund, Nicky, went to be with Edd.  They were best buddies, and it seemed appropriate that they go on the same day. Even so, my heart is broken into a million tiny pieces. A chapter has ended… a long and hard one, but full of characters I truly loved. I’ll miss those two more than I can express.

For the rest of my life I’ll strive to be someone like Edd, and I’ll strive to be the girl he always thought I was.  Rest in peace, Edd and Nicky, and a most heartfelt and tear-filled thank you for all you’ve given to my family.  You fought the good fight. Thank you.

If you’re new to this blog, you can catch up on Edd’s story here.

yes to the dress

Maid of Honor duties called this weekend, and off I went with the BFF and a small posse to search for that perfect dress she’ll don come December 1st of this year. I’m happy to announce that, after a day-full of intensive gown hunting, the ONE was revealed in a bright vision from the heavens (or something like that), and then quickly snatched up at a bargain.  When does that ever happen?!  You find the perfect dress AND it’s the perfect price?  Seldom, that’s when.  The weekend was a success!

In other news, I’ve been camping out at my mom’s as Edd has taken a turn for the worse, and so happy times are peppered in with sad times, but I find myself wanting to feel the full height and width and breadth of it.  This is life… filled with both joy and sorrow; both new birth and, yes, death.  After all, “the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain,” remember? (from The Prophet.)

We’re thinking hours or days are now left on Edd’s earthly body, but I have to believe that he’ll awaken on the other side with a new body, and that some day we’ll all be together again and all of this will make sense…

Enjoy a few pretty pictures from the weekend, and then go tell the people you love that you love them, OK? Or better yet, show them. Happiest of Mondays to you. :)

    

PS – None of the dresses shown are the ONE Megan chose—wouldn’t want to risk the groom seeing! :)

Update on Edd

Those who’ve been around for a while may remember back to late November when my step-dad Edd spent a good amount of time in the hospital for seizures, among other things.  It was a really rough time for my family, and we didn’t know if he would make it until Thanksgiving, much less Christmas.  If you want to catch up on this story, feel free to look through old posts here (they’re in reverse chronological order, so it’ll make more sense to start at the end).

Anyway, I’ve owed you wonderful people an update for a while now, but as I said the other day, sometimes it’s just hard to write about, and I’m never quite sure what to say.

I guess I could start by saying things aren’t the same anymore.  Whether it’s the cancer or the seizures or the cyber knife treatments a while back, Edd’s mind has been affected. Often he seems really present and “himself” and will say something very Edd-like, but he is also often distant and confused. He’s considered under in-home hospice care now, and while he’s doing much better physically than he was a couple months ago, he’s not taking chemo treatments anymore (a major reason for some of the physical relief).  Edd’s cancer is in his lungs, liver, and brain, but since they’re not treating or testing anymore, it’s impossible to know what the progression has been lately.  The waiting must be excruciating for my mom.

Edd is the sweetest man I know, and has been so good to her.  My mom thinks of this as an opportunity to give back to him some of what he’s given to her.  Unconditional love. Safety. Kindness. Tenderness. Sacrifice. I’ve learned a lot about love by watching the two of them.  I’ll never understand why our bodies were created with what could easily be perceived as flaws—why they turn on us.  Why someone so good and undeserving would be dealt such a rough deck of cards. (rough? there just isn’t a word strong enough for what he’s been through.) And yet Edd never complains. He was the favorite patient at the oncologist’s office.  His only regret is breaking my mom’s heart.

All I know is that people like Edd put the rest of us to shame.

Honestly, I don’t even know what to ask for when it comes to prayers, anymore.  But thanks so much for your kindness and support and for caring about my family.   I’d give every one of your a big squishy hug if I could. :)

Have a happy Thursday!

Thoughts on December

For as far back as my memory reaches, December has been the very most anticipated and magical time of every one of my years.  December—the month that contains both my birthday and Christmas!  The month that always meant Christmas decorations and winter weather and holiday baking with my mom and sister and gift giving and receiving.  I remember sometimes lying awake in my bed as a child, filled to the brim with perfect joy whenever I even thought of December, no matter how many months away it still was.

When I grew older, December started to mean plenty of stress and final exams, but it still never lost its magic, and I don’t think it ever will.  Not as long as I have the memories of how this month should feel. 

But there’s no denying that December is different this year.

Some of the people I love most in the world are suffering, and because they hurt, I hurt. 

My husband has been dealt a rough deck of cards this year.  More crap than anyone should have thrown at them, and all at once.  And my mom… my poor, sweet mom. 

On Friday, December 2nd, it was Edd’s birthday.  He’s currently in a hospice facility while things are set up at their house, and he is confused and sometimes sad and really, he’s not quite HIM anymore.  His mind is damaged, though his sweet spirit still shines through.

I brought some carrot cake cupcakes (his favorite) and sat with him and my mom for a while.  We listened to him talk and sometimes cry, though very little of what he said made any sense.  The seizures or the cancer or the meds or some combination thereof have him only part of the way here anymore, and we’re really not sure if there are days or weeks or months left now.  But as I watched and listened and smiled and laughed with my mom and Edd, even though sometimes it was like speaking to a child, I was overwhelmed to witness true love and purity of spirit, which shone brightly through the fog of disease in Edd’s case, and through the grief in my mom’s. 

I drove home on that drizzly Friday, practically parked in the lot that is rush hour Austin traffic, and I cried.  I cried so hard I could hardly see through the tears.  And yet somehow, all at the same time, I felt happier than I’ve ever been.  How can that be? 

An excerpt from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran (one of my very favorite books) states that “the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”  And I believe that, and it makes so much sense now. 

Tomorrow I will be one quarter of a century old, and my goal for however many moments or days or years I have left is to live them fearlessly.  To experience fully—not just the good times, but also the sad times.  Because there’s beauty in them, too. 

It may not be a perfect December, but I have a feeling it will be one I’ll never, ever forget.

   

Scenes from Turkey Day

Happy Black Friday everyone!  I hope you all had a really nice Thanksgiving! Personally, I’m still at home in my bathrobe and preparing to eat pie for breakfast while NOT out shopping, though I actually do intend to head out later to pick up a few new Christmas decorations.  Wish me luck! :)

This has been a weird week, and it’s all just proof that you can’t put LIFE on hold until the holidays pass over. There’s been some important lesson-learning going on around here, and I’ll give some more details on all that next week. But for now, a few photos from our lovely time at Matthew’s parent’s house yesterday, where we had lots of fun doing Thanksgiving-y things like chatting it up with aunts and uncles and cousins and stuffing our faces with way too much food...

Stay safe this weekend, my friends! 

       

Why no, that wasn’t a 300 lb man’s plate.  See name card in background.

 

PS – Edd has gained a bit of strength, but he’s still in the hospital.  My mom wrote a very touching post that will help you understand a little of what’s going on right now.  They’re still figuring out what the future will look like now, and continued prayers are appreciated.

PPS – If I owe you an email, it’s coming!  Sometimes real life gets in the way of the Internet, which is always unfortunate and highly inconvenient.  This issue will be rectified shortly.

Update + thoughts on Breaking Dawn (no spoilers)

Happy Sunday everyone!  I hope you’re having a nice weekend.  Things have been up and down here—Edd is still in the hospital and has had seizures around the same time every night since Tuesday.  Even though those scans showed the cancer in his brain hadn’t grown any, something is still causing these seizures and the doctors are still trying to find the correct dose of meds to stop them.  But he’s been surrounded by people who love him, and I know that no matter what, everything will be OK.

I know this is an odd transition, but let’s talk about Twilight for a second here.  Who’s seen it?  What did you guys think? 

I survived the midnight showing and went back for seconds yesterday, which I felt was necessary.  You know, in order to formulate a decent, educated opinion.  Oddly, and though I enjoyed myself both times, I actually liked it better the second time around (maybe because I saw it at 7 PM and not the wee hours of the morning?!). 

It’s a bit cheeseballsy at times, but which of the first three movies wasn’t? There was one scene in particular that I thought was shockingly stupid (the one where the wolves were all “talking” in the lumber yard), and I thought those last scenes at the end were quite disgusting and graphic.  But overall, I really did like it!  I thought it was nice, also, that Stephanie Meyer made an appearance in the wedding scene—I didn’t catch that until the second time I saw it! (she’s sitting in the back row and is beaming at Bella as she walks down the aisle).

So, that’s my take.  I’m interested in hearing what the rest of you thought, if you’ve seen it!  Let me know, yo.