(Mis)Adventures in NYC - Part 1

***DISCLAIMER: If you are reading my blog for the first time, feel free to skip this post as it is uncharacteristically whiny and seriously lacking in material of any real value.  Unless you're planning a trip to New York soon, in which case you should definitely read it and take notes on what NOT to do.***

I know you're all just dying to hear about my fabulous trip to New York, but to be quite honest, I am almost at a loss for words to describe the disaster that was this weekend.  I thought about writing this post in the form of a Tuesday Ten list titled "Ten Reasons Why You Should NOT Be Envious Of My Weekend In New York" but, in actuality, I could only come up with nine reasons and, even though I make the rules on this here blog, a list of nine is seriously so not feng shui.  And we cannot have that, now can we.  

But really?  This picture pretty much sums up the entire weekend:

The trip started out OK, but things went from bad to worse fairly quickly.  First of all, the weather kind of totally and completely sucked and my dreams of wasting away hours in a breezy Central-Park-in-Autumn quickly gave way to the reality of a New York I had never experienced: a hot and humid city that read 85 on a thermometer but felt more like 95 in the breezeless corridors between skyscrapers and 100 in the Subway tunnels beneath the city. And speaking of the Subway, some of the train lines were closed for repairs, causing tourists like ourselves that little extra bit of anxiety to throw into the mix.  Awesome. 

On another note, many of us may think of THIS when New York City comes to mind:

For my less cultured readers, that's Carrie from Sex & the City 

Now mind you, this was actually my FIFTH trip to New York, but somehow I always seem to forget the pain and fall under the spell of my illusions that involve looking cute in stylish clothes and shoes while walking BLOCK UPON BLOCK UPON BLOCK of merciless concrete.  The picture above, my dears, does not reflect reality.  If you want to look cute like Carrie while vacationing in New York, plan on hiring a personal chauffeur or you WILL be in ridiculous amounts of pain for the duration of your stay following the first several blocks of walking in said "cute" shoes.  The blisters are also very unattractive. 

Basically, just find the ugliest but most comfortable pair of shoes you can find, and they'll probably be just perfect.  Trust me on this one.

So now you may be thinking, OK, big deal. The weather wasn't the greatest, the subway system was on the fritz, and you brought the wrong shoes - shut up, you were in New York. 

I might think the same thing if I were you, but let me just tell you a little bit about myself before we go on.  I am a bit of a control freak - I like to know what's going to happen to me well before it happens; I print out Map Quest directions to supplement my GPS; I carry an enormous purse because who knows when I might need a mace gun or a notebook or a camera or an assortment of over-the-counter meds.   And I truly DID study maps of Manhattan before leaving on this trip because it would be my first experience in New York without a big strong man and his so-called "man compass" to lead me anywhere I'd like to go. 

But nothing prepares you for the streets of New York when you are as directionally challenged as I am, and this time?  There was no one to think it's cute and funny that I can't read a map to save my life.  My friend was actually considerably more competent than I was, but I still constantly felt lost and out of control and just plain stupid for not "getting it."  This paired with the fact that I am female and fast approaching "that time of the month" produced a less than desirable combination of factors.  And the icing on the cake?  Monday morning I wake up to THIS text from my husband (gray bubble is him, green is me):

That's right. Remember the first crisp day I mentioned in my list of favorite things about fall?  I missed it.  It was pouring rain and humid in NYC while back home they were throwing open windows and relishing a dry, cool, and cloudless 58 degrees. 

I never thought I'd say this, but I am SO glad to be back home in Texas.

Pictures to come tomorrow! 

J