The First Anniversary Of The Worst Day Of My Life

October 29th exactly one year ago will live forever infamous in my mind as the period of 24 hours during which I was dangerously on the verge of a nervous breakdown, a panic attack, and an aneurysm all rolled into one.  I almost had a relapse when I started to see these come out this year:

Let me back up. 

I am a control freak.  I don't play all that well with other children.  I like things done my way (because, obviously, it is the best way).  And when I am placed into a situation where I must work closely with others and share in decision-making with them, I get a little antsy.  In fact, antsy might not be the best descriptor there.  But let's just leave it at that.

So anyway, last Fall, during my final semester before graduation, I was enrolled in a course called Small Group Communication.  Almost the entire premise of the course involved working within a group of the same 6 students to plan and implement a fundraising event. None of us had any idea just how much work and stress this would entail; me especially.  It ended up being one of the hardest things I've ever done, and that career in event planning I had considered?  No way, Jose.  That dream was shot right out of the water once I realized how much I despise working with... well... people. 

Kidding! Sort of.  But let's just say that myself and one or two of my group members seriously butt heads, and because I so desperately wanted needed an A in the class to maintain the perfect GPA I planned to graduate with, there was a lot of "we-will-do-this-my-way-because-I-always-get-A's-and-so-help-me-God-if-I-get-a-B-because-you're-an-idiot."

So, we worked extremely hard all semester (a few of us did, anyway - isn't that always the way it works in groups?  A few do the bulk of the work while the others coast?).  Anyway.  I'm not bitter.  We worked extremely hard to make our event come to being, and on October 29, 2009, it did.  Not without incident, but it did.

Here are a few pictures from the day:

You get the picture. 

It was a pumpkin carving thing, and it ended up being pretty successful.  All the pumpkins, snacks, and beverages were donated beforehand, and we made a considerable profit.  Naturally, I wrote most of our group's final paper describing the entire process, and after the final exam, I felt extremely confident that I would get my A and that the GPA-I-worked-so-hard-for would remain unharmed.  It was one or two of my other classes I was a little worried about - NOT this one.

I remember like it were yesterday when it came time for grades to be posted.  I had just gotten off work on a busy Friday night, and I plopped down in front of my computer anxiously.  I logged into my school account, saw that grades were up, and scanned the page. A!.... A!.... A!....

B in Small Group Communication??????!!!!! Hooooooowwwwwwwww???!!!!!

I cried huge, hot alligator tears for AT LEAST an hour that night and all throughout the weekend.  I screamed into my pillow.  I cursed that wretched class and all the wretched people in it, and I cursed myself for falling short of my goal after working so hard for so long.  Y'all I FREAKED OUT.

And I refused to go to my graduation primarily because of it.  Because I knew my diploma wouldn't read "Summa Cum Laude" like I had planned for it to.

And I knooow most students would be thrilled with graduating Magna, but that is not the point here.  In my mind (then anyway), I was a failure.  And I didn't forgive myself for a long time.

So what is my point here?  Not to brag about having a good GPA, I assure you.  My point is that sometimes we create such impossibly high standards for ourselves that we live our lives constantly feeling like we've failed.  Constantly feeling like we don't measure up. 

But my question for you is: MEASURE UP TO WHAT?  Who are we competing with???  It's natural and GOOD to want to succeed and to want to do the best you can.  But if you fall short of your goal and your whole identity comes crashing down around you, you have to ask yourself why your priorities allow no room for error and growth and HUMANITY. 

Perfection does not exist.  It is an unachievable goal.  But balance?  That is something worth fighting for.  And you know what they say... (cheesy and cliche as it may be, there is some truth to it...)

So THIS October 29th?  I'll be enjoying a wonderful "date night" with my husband... carving a pumpkin, roasting the seeds, enjoying a delightful dinner.  The past is the past, and we are not our failures.  We can learn from them, we can always improve and grow because of them, but every day we choose what to believe about ourselves.    

Believe that you're "among the stars," and have a beautiful weekend!!

J