Gruene and red rain boots (again)

The other day I headed out to meet my mother-in-law in Gruene, a super cute little town nestled in between San Antonio and Austin.  It was POURING rain that day, but we were not deterred!  Walking into lunch was a sloshy, rainy mess, but by the time we finished our meal, the sun was back out, and if it weren’t for the puddles, you’d never know it’d been down-pouring torrentially just an hour before. Gotta love Texas.

Here’s a few outfit shots from our time in Gruene… sure looks nice and sunny, but I assure you those wellies were needed just an hour before! :)

Shirt: Madewell (on sale here!), jeans: J.Crew, Boots: Hunter, Necklace: Stella & Dot, Ring: Charming Charlie

 

And HOW CUTE is my MIL?!

Happy Wednesday!

A last photo and a last word

The other day I was looking through folders of old photos on my computer, and I found an especially meaningful one that brought back a flood of tears and memories.  The lighting is terrible and it was never meant to be a good picture, per se, but I had stopped by my mom’s house shortly after purchasing my new 5D, and I was just sort of snapping away. This was the very last photo I ever took of Edd.

I remember him well in that spot. He was often sitting there when I’d come over to visit… reading the paper or a magazine or watching a show on TV. He’d say “hiiii Jenni,” or get up and come sit at the bar to talk to me. Whenever I go over to my mom’s now, I like to sit there in Edd’s spot, where he was in this picture.

It’s funny, the memories in a place. How a particular piece of space can hold such strong memories of a person that was there at one point in time. Like that old saying goes… “if only walls could talk.” If walls could talk over at my mom’s place, they would speak of so much love, you can’t even wrap you head around it.

One memory both Matthew and I have of Edd made a deep impact on both of us. We were over for dinner one night, and Edd was sitting in the kitchen at a bar stool and we were all chatting as my mom cooked dinner. I don’t remember how the conversation reached this point, but I remember this so vividly. Edd’s face was red and broken out a bit from chemo.  His body had really been ravaged, but there he was, with tears welling up in his eyes as he said, “yeah, I have cancer, but I’m really happy.”

I attribute much of that happiness to the fierce love between him and my mom—the way they gave each other strength when one thing after another was taken away from them. Sometimes maybe it’s a blessing when all you have left is the love.

And it really makes you think, you know? If everything was taken away from you, all the things you have no real control over, what would be left? I think I’ve found that the answer to this question is 1. your spirit (the part of you that doesn’t die), and 2. your relationships. And it makes me think about what I’m really “nurturing” in my life.  Really makes me think.

I tend to boil everything down to lessons learned in Harry Potter (ha ha), and one quote by Dumbledore always stood out to me. He said, “Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.” And that’s so true, don’t you think? Edd’s life and death was proof to me that cancer and dying isn’t the worst thing that could happen to a person. But a life without love and friendships and close, healthy, meaningful relationships that transcend time and space and pain and, yes, even death? That would be the worst of all.

“Yeah, I have cancer, but I’m really happy.” What is in your life that brings you joy, even when life isn’t perfect? How can you build on those things, those relationships?

Just things I’m thinking today. Happy Tuesday. :)

Some words, some pictures, and a song.

I’m feeling strangely stifled this morning.  I woke up excited about a new day and a new week… ready to be honest and open about my feelings and share a little more about Edd’s passing 4 weeks ago tomorrow.  I wrote it all out. It was cathartic, and I cried… a lot… as I typed. 

But then I couldn’t hit publish.  I read what I wrote over and over again, and it just wasn’t enough.  It was just a string of sentences tied together by commas and periods and ellipses. It was just facts. And it didn’t fully express what we experienced… what EDD experienced.  It felt too private, it felt cold, and it felt not good enough.

So I guess right now, until the time comes (if it comes) when I’m ready to write more about the enormity of this thing that happened and that changed me, I just want to acknowledge that no matter what I write here, no matter what kind of sunny posts you see (because those are so much easier to write), it still hurts.  I’m still working through it, as I know my mom is and my step brothers are and everyone else who was deeply touched by Edd’s life and death.  I imagine it will all come out in bits and pieces over the next months and years, and even though it goes without saying, I’m sure, I just wanted to say that even though we carry on and live our lives and eat out at restaurants and take pretty pictures and laugh sometimes, there’s always a part of me (and my family) that’s grieving.  You learn to live with that grief, because there’s no other choice.

A wonderful reader named Sam left a comment a while back that really stuck with me, and I wrote it on a little piece of paper and left it on my mom’s pillow the night before Edd’s funeral, and she even read it at the service.  It said, “someday you’ll walk around the hole in your heart instead of falling in it.” 

For now, though, I think we’re all still falling in it.

One last thing… I found this quote the other day, and it really blew me away.  I wanted to share it here too, for anyone who might need to hear it:

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying 'write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep', and 'cheer up' and 'happiness is our birthright' and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say 'Quick! Move on! Cheer up!' I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word 'happiness' and to replace it with the word 'wholeness'. Ask yourself 'is this contributing to my wholeness?' and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”

Hugh Mackay, psychologist and social researcher

I like to think that all of this is contributing to my wholeness, and for that I am grateful. 

1. Gracie baby
2. .25 cent books from the Austin citywide garage sale yesterday
3. My gorgeous necklace by Megan
4. Coop.
5. Cute grandparents
6. The prettiest little egg we found in our backyard

Hope you have a wonderful Monday…

A day at the farm

It was one of those really good weekends that you wind down from feeling refreshed and ready for a new week, you know what I mean?  I got to spend an inordinate amount of time with my husband, drinking tea and watching movies and taking naps and sometimes crying because life still feels so funny right now.  But it was all still good. 

Saturday morning we took a little trip to Boggy Creek Farm, one of my favorite spots in town for homegrown, organic produce and other fun seasonal treats, like strawberry essence tea.  If you’re in Austin and haven’t been by Boggy Creek Farm yet, I recommend you get there asap!  Such a fun little place.   I read in the Edible Austin publication for spring that this little farm house was built in 1840, and people have been born in it and people have died in it, and it’s still a part of the land there—a part of the history.  And I just think that’s so neat! 

Here are some pictures from the outing…
 

Grandpa :)

 

PS – It’s sort of interesting to look back on this post I wrote about Boggy Creek Farm a year and a half ago… things sure have changed around here since then! Ha!

PPS – Clearly Megan and I were on the same wavelength this weekend! What are the odds?!

Happy Monday. :)

Seasons. (our weekend at the ranch + serious “big life stuff”)

The state of Texas has its downfalls, but one thing I’ll always love about it here are the wildflowers in spring.  It’s not that we have particularly harsh winters, but after a season of drab and dead and (sometimes) cold, spring here is such a refreshing turn.  Except for all the Texas sized bugs.  Those are not refreshing.

Matthew and I rounded out his spring break with a nice long weekend at the ranch, and since the last time I’ve been there, things have changed tremendously.  The trees that were once skeletal and bare are now budding and green, and wildflowers literally fill the fields and blanket the ground in most areas.  It was really breathtaking, and I found myself seeing everything through the frame of my camera—imagining how it would look in a picture.  Funny how perspectives change with our passions. 

To be honest with you, my heart has been really heavy lately.  Edd is slipping away.  Last night my mom needed help getting him from the living room to his bed, and he was confused and frightened and just… gone.  It broke my heart to see him that way. He’s not the man we knew anymore.  The cancer has taken the part of him that made him him.  The decline has been so rapid in the past couple weeks…   I haven’t been able to write about it.  No words seem to do this justice—what I’ve seen the cancer do to him and people I care about.  I’ve been feeling disingenuous on this blog lately, because I feel the need to carry on and continue posting (which I really do enjoy), but to not tell you about this other huge thing… the loss I sense is so near and, really, has already occurred… I can’t gloss over it, even though I never have the right words.  It’s real.  It hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced, and I have trouble not focusing on it, not feeling it all throughout the day, because I know he’s suffering, and I know my mom is suffering in a whole other way.  Even our family dachshund, Nicky, is sick and old and needs to be put to sleep. When it rains it pours, right?

I’ve never lost anyone I really love before, but I guess now begins that time of life when you have to learn to face death and somehow come to terms with it.  I was thinking out at the ranch this weekend about how hopeless this life would be if we weren’t given the promise of spring.  Change.  Good things to come.  Because there are such good things to come!  Even when it feels like the season you’re in might never end. It will.  It will be good again.

Anyway, sorry to be so heavy.  Why are my heaviest posts always on Monday? Forgive me. :)  And thanks for reading! Here are a few more fun pictures from our weekend at the ranch…

 Can we talk about how incredibly adorable my mother in law is for a minute?

Update on Edd

Those who’ve been around for a while may remember back to late November when my step-dad Edd spent a good amount of time in the hospital for seizures, among other things.  It was a really rough time for my family, and we didn’t know if he would make it until Thanksgiving, much less Christmas.  If you want to catch up on this story, feel free to look through old posts here (they’re in reverse chronological order, so it’ll make more sense to start at the end).

Anyway, I’ve owed you wonderful people an update for a while now, but as I said the other day, sometimes it’s just hard to write about, and I’m never quite sure what to say.

I guess I could start by saying things aren’t the same anymore.  Whether it’s the cancer or the seizures or the cyber knife treatments a while back, Edd’s mind has been affected. Often he seems really present and “himself” and will say something very Edd-like, but he is also often distant and confused. He’s considered under in-home hospice care now, and while he’s doing much better physically than he was a couple months ago, he’s not taking chemo treatments anymore (a major reason for some of the physical relief).  Edd’s cancer is in his lungs, liver, and brain, but since they’re not treating or testing anymore, it’s impossible to know what the progression has been lately.  The waiting must be excruciating for my mom.

Edd is the sweetest man I know, and has been so good to her.  My mom thinks of this as an opportunity to give back to him some of what he’s given to her.  Unconditional love. Safety. Kindness. Tenderness. Sacrifice. I’ve learned a lot about love by watching the two of them.  I’ll never understand why our bodies were created with what could easily be perceived as flaws—why they turn on us.  Why someone so good and undeserving would be dealt such a rough deck of cards. (rough? there just isn’t a word strong enough for what he’s been through.) And yet Edd never complains. He was the favorite patient at the oncologist’s office.  His only regret is breaking my mom’s heart.

All I know is that people like Edd put the rest of us to shame.

Honestly, I don’t even know what to ask for when it comes to prayers, anymore.  But thanks so much for your kindness and support and for caring about my family.   I’d give every one of your a big squishy hug if I could. :)

Have a happy Thursday!

Happy Valentine’s! (+Walton’s, Austin)

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all! Any big plans for tonight, or did you love birds out there celebrate over the weekend?  My husband will be with his mistress, law school, tonight. Sigh. 

Yesterday my mom and Edd met me for a quick lunch at Walton’s here in Austin, one of Sandra Bullock’s two restaurants in town.  I’ve been wanting to try it forever now, and I was so pleased to finally visit!  The food was delicious, and I felt like I was in a little NYC cafe.  I’ll most definitely be returning.  Nice work, Sandra! :)

heart shaped macaroon 

BFT (bacon, frisee, and tomato sandwich)

Edd enjoying his carrot cake cupcake

Walton’s, you get an A!

Also, thanks to those of you who’ve asked about Edd lately.  I owe you guys a post, it’s just something kind of difficult to write about right now. 

Tell someone you love them today!

Christmas 2011

Well, it’s that time of year again, folks.  The time where we all dump a zillion pictures from Christmas onto our blogs and/or Facebook.  I thought about breaking this into a couple posts, but I think you guys can handle it! ;)

We had a very nice holiday, filled with good food and the people we love.  Edd was home and is able to walk around a little bit now… it was a wonderful gift to have him here this Christmas. Hope you’re all enjoying your new toys and looking forward to the fabulous new year to come! I have this funny feeling about 2012… it’s gonna be a good one. :) 

For now, here’s a few pictures from our Christmas!

* * * * *

Morning with mom and Edd… (just before all of Edd’s family got there… we missed most of the excitement! [but got first dibs on the amazing breakfast!])

 most delicious monkey bread in the world

 yummy breakfast casserole my mom makes every Christmas

 opening presents

 peeps!!! yessssss.

two special men in my life

   pretty mama

 

Afternoon with Matthew’s side of the family…

sweetest MIL :)

sweetest SIL :)

  good lookin’ family eh?

 fall finally arrived in TX

   Pierre le cat

  amazing.

love her!!

How was your Christmas?  Did you get any extra-meaningful gifts?