Sex when travelling: location, location, location

There are two things that the internet is better at than anything else: providing pictures of cats in a variety of cute / hilarious / tragic poses, and providing graphic pictures of people engaging in intimate acts. This post is not going to be heavily featuring one of those things.

Today I’m going to be taking a look at the various options travellers have for “getting jiggy with it” when on the road in terms of where to do it. Because travellers are people too. And people have needs, people.

As this is a blog where I like to illustrate my posts with photos, whilst also being mostly on the family friendly side (that may have gone out of the window), I’m going to be illustrating this post with some carefully hand crafted Paint masterpieces, as first seen in this post.

Enough throat clearing. Here are six places you might find yourself doing it whilst travelling.. and the pros and cons of each!

The dorm room

We’ve all been there. You’re lying in your dorm trying to get some sleep when a giggling and likely intoxicated pair stumble in, and start what a swimming pool sign might refer to as “heavy petting”.

Heavy petting will quickly migrate to more frenzied, vigorous action, possibly accompanied by light to intense bursts of giggling. Once they’ve convinced themselves everyone is asleep, or uncaring, it’s going to get noisy.

Best for: The exhibitionist in you, learning sex talk in a foreign language
Watch out for: The rest of the people in your dorm hating you. Or joining in.

A tent

Tents are amazing, in that they offer the illusion of privacy whilst offering no privacy whatsoever. Sure, you might think that those walls of canvas are capable of creating your own anechoic chamber, but let me assure you, they are in fact quite the opposite.

Still, unlike a dorm room, unless you have unfortunate lighting, no-one is going to actually see you. Plus – you can put a tent up far away from other people. So privacy is a much more achievable option.

Best for: Giving you the illusion of privacy. And well, at least no-one can actually see you.
Watch out for: Knowing smiles on everyone elses faces the next day. Snakes, of the non trouser variety.

The shower

Oh, shower sex. All the cleaning benefits of a nice hot shower and the pleasing, heady rush of an endorphin high. Assuming you don’t fall over. Because you don’t want to have to be explaining that injury on your travel insurance claim form.

Still, shower sex is likely to be one of the more private options for the traveller on a strict budget. And you come out smelling better than you went in, which doesn’t usually happen with sex. Good news all round.

Best for: Saving the environment
Watch out for: Dropping the soap, cleaners, breaking yourself on the slippery floor.

The beach

There is a reason sex on the beach is the name of a popular cocktail. There’s hardly a more romantic thought in the world than making slow, lingering, passionate love to someone under the light of the moon.. with surf crashing in the distance and perhaps warm tropical waters delicately caressing at your toes.

The reality diverges from this dream a bit, and usually involves sand in places you really didn’t want sand to go, nosy crabs (the beach kind), and someone falling over you in the dark. But it’s a nice idea.

Best for: Keeping as a romantic notion.
Watch out for: Dog poo / broken glass / other sand lovers.

The back of your car / van

This option works better if you have one of those nice long estate style cars, or a proper travellers style camper van. It’s also better if you’re either far away from civilisation, or you have curtains. Otherwise you might end up attracting all the wrong sorts of attention.

If you have the right kind of car, and can find the right kind of place, this is one of the better options out there for the traveller literally “on the move”. Plus you’ll quickly learn what condition your suspension is in, and be able to drop all kinds of raunchy sounding motor talk into the act.

Best for: Learning how to use the suspension to your benefit
Watch out for: People into dogging, the gear stick. Or not.. whatever you’re into.

 

A private room

If you’re travelling as a couple, the private room is the option you’ll probably want to splash out on (no, not like that. Seriously people). In a hostel they usually aren’t actually that much more expensive per person than a smaller dorm room.. and the privacy benefits are usually more than worth it.

As well as the sex based benefits, you’ll also find that your stuff is likely to be safer, plus you can even close the curtains and wander around naked, with less people staring at you than normal. What’s not to like?

Best for: Actual privacy
Watch out for: The walls being thinner than you thought…

Well, that’s that round up done. I’d love to know your favourite places to get down and dirty when out and about. Do share in the comments below! (and stay safe folks!)

Three stupendously awesome burgers

I would make a terrible food blogger. Here’s a post about three phenomenal burgers, and I have no pictures of any of them to share with you.

This was probably a testament to the incredible nature of these beasts – there was simply no time for pause and reflection. It was just eat or.. well. Actually, that was just it. Eat. Instead of photos I’ve used my best Paint skills in order to recreate these burgers for you.

You’ll probably notice I’m not very good at Paint.

Without further ado let me introduce my three favourite burgers from my time in Australia and New Zealand. Other countries will probably follow, once they’ve caught up to the burger making technology that our antipodean cousins have already mastered. In ascending order of greatness, I’ll start with number three… the

Vegetarian burger of Tasmania

Sweet mother of god you are probably thinking, (or sweet mother of Dawkins, if you’re of the atheist bent) the man is a fool. He’s starting off a post about burgers with a vegetarian option. Is there nothing sacred left in the world? Apparently not.

Way down in the town of Launceston on the island of Tasmania, there is a cafe. Which only serves vegetarian food. A meat based option was never going to be on the cards here. So I ordered the lentil burger, which came with a satay sauce, and was served on a bed of something leafy.

This, when it arrived, was a testament to what great vegetarian food is supposed to be. Incredible flavours, unexpectedly blended together to form a taste sensation like no other. A must. If every cow died tomorrow, I’d be safe knowing that this burger is out there as a standby until science figures out how to grow cow meat in vats. Enough now of the non meat options. Let’s move on to:

The burger with the lot

Australia was the first place in the world where I learnt that beetroot is a viable burger topping. Previous to my adventures down under, I had had no idea that such a thing was feasible, let alone edible.

In Australia, when you order a burger with “the lot”, you quite literally get a burger with pretty much everything you can imagine stuffed on top of it. Including a slice of beetroot.

My first memorable experience of such a feast was in the Western Australian town of Kununurra, (try spelling that after a couple of whiskies).

In Kununurra, having just come from a few weeks living off tinned food in the bush, it seemed only fair to try out the local delicacy. Which in this case was a burger served with the aforementioned lot.

It would be unfair to describe this burger as the largest I’ve ever had, as that honour goes to the next burger in my list. But certainly up to that point in my life, this was up there with the greats.

A mound of burger sat atop a mighty bun, sagging with the weight of accompaniments which included pickle, beetroot, fried egg, shaved carrot (they really are a bit odd in the outback), artery clogging amounts of cheese, pineapple, onion, bacon… yes. This was the sort of food that probably killed Elvis.

So how do I go about beating that? Well, only with the most amazing burger I’ve ever eaten. I introduce the, spoken of only in hushed whispers…

Fergburger

If you’ve had the pleasure of visiting Queenstown on the southern island of New Zealand, you will probably be aware of the local legend that is Fergburger.

Word of this establishment reached me during my time on the North island, some 1000km away, when I was manning a hostel reception. Travellers would ask me to recommend a local burger establishment. Usually, I’d recommend a venue, which in my mind served admirable meaty feasts, only to be asked, in soft tones, if I’d ever had a Fergburger. I would reply no. They would peer at me mournfully.

Because it turns out, no burger joint in the world, or at least, Rotorua, that I could recommend, would be able to serve up anything comparable to the Fergburger, A fact I learnt for myself when I eventually made it to the establishment in question.

There was no doubt in my mind, upon arriving at this burger joint, that I was about to experience a once in a lifetime burger. And since this was likely to be a once in a lifetime experience, I immediately ordered the largest burger available on the menu – the “Big Al”.

This thing, when it arrived, put previous burgers in my life to shame. It was home, for example, to two fried eggs. Somewhere. Competing for space in the bun with two massive slabs of burger. And bacon. And of course cheese. And onion. And Aioli. And, because New Zealand is practically Australia, beetroot. And more things. The whole thing was at least the size of my head, and jaw dislocation was looking to be a serious problem.

I did order fries to go with it. These weren’t really necessary, and I had them cold for dinner instead.

The experience was incredible. Even if I then did need a little lie down.

Those were three of my most favourite burgers from two years of careful burger sampling around NZ and Australia. Do you have a burger that you think could top these? Share away in the comments below!